Saturday, August 4, 2012
I'm not sure I can gather my thoughts into anything useful tonight, but for me, putting things on (virtual) paper is always therapeutic, if only to get them written out so I can organize them and decide which thoughts are good. :)
C.S. Lewis said, "No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek, find." Hmmmm. I have always believed that is true, that sometimes, maybe even most of the time, joy is readily available in our lives, and sometimes we have to search to find it. Sometimes sadness or hard times obscures the light of Joy, but it is always available to us. Today, I am trying hard to find it.
So.....here I am, sad. So sad. And feeling alone. My sisters have come to stay for a few days following my husband's funeral, and I still feel alone.
Pedicures today were fun, but there was no one at home to notice the new 'flowers' and pink polish. ☹
We've eaten almost nothing but salads all week, and no one complains that we need a good steak. ☹
Combing through cooking magazines is no fun- who am I going to cook for? This fresh new widow-hood makes me feel like I'm standing in mud. My feet feel squishy and if I lift one foot from the mud, the other is certain to slide away. I don't like to wallow in anything, be it mud or sadness (ok, sand on the beach is different). I am going to have to adjust, I know. I can feel my soul looking for the joy in the little things. My mind wanders the memories of happy times past...sitting on the piano bench, I remember practicing piano duets with my sweetheart and how much fun we had together. I notice the artwork on the walls of our home, nearly every piece is something we chose together, each one with a special meaning and happy experience to go with it. Even the melodic 'tuned' windchimes on the back patio evoke a special memory that lifts the corner of sadness and allows a sliver of happy light to shine through. That little glow leads me to scripture, where I have sought and received comfort many, many times before.
And it is there, in scripture that I am reminded of the one true source of Joy.
" Wherefore, fear not even unto death, for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full." D & C 101:36
In Him my joy is full.
One thing I've learned is that the language of scripture is no mistake. So I notice that the scripture says my joy IS full, not that it will be full. IS means now; currently. Not something far off, but something very now.
I also notice the familiar command, 'Fear Not'. I have learned to welcome new opportunities for growth and be unafraid. I am learning how the infinite power of my Savior's atonement enables me to do hard things. I can continue in this life, even doing the things that brought me joy before, brought us joy together. Because of that infinite atonement, I have a promise of great joy- when I am reunited with my sweetheart, yes, but also in this life. My joy IS full- in all the things that brought me joy before. My Savior's love has filled in the gaps and lifted my feet from the squishy mud. I stand on firm ground. This is a process, yes, but the sliver of light has now filled the entire window, and my joy truly is full.
"And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing, sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in.
That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing, he bled and died to take away my sin.
Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee, How great thou art, How great thou art.
Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee,
How great thou art, How great Thou art!"
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