Saturday, August 4, 2012

My Joy IS Full

I'm not sure I can gather my thoughts into anything useful tonight, but for me, putting things on (virtual) paper is always therapeutic, if only to get them written out so I can organize them and decide which thoughts are good. :)
C.S. Lewis said, "No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek, find." Hmmmm. I have always believed that is true, that sometimes, maybe even most of the time, joy is readily available in our lives, and sometimes we have to search to find it. Sometimes sadness or hard times obscures the light of Joy, but it is always available to us. Today, I am trying hard to find it. I am, sad. So sad. And feeling alone. My sisters have come to stay for a few days following my husband's funeral, and I still feel alone.
Pedicures today were fun, but there was no one at home to notice the new 'flowers' and pink polish. ☹
We've eaten almost nothing but salads all week, and no one complains that we need a good steak. ☹
Combing through cooking magazines is no fun- who am I going to cook for? This fresh new widow-hood makes me feel like I'm standing in mud. My feet feel squishy and if I lift one foot from the mud, the other is certain to slide away. I don't like to wallow in anything, be it mud or sadness (ok, sand on the beach is different). I am going to have to adjust, I know. I can feel my soul looking for the joy in the little things. My mind wanders the memories of happy times past...sitting on the piano bench, I remember practicing piano duets with my sweetheart and how much fun we had together. I notice the artwork on the walls of our home, nearly every piece is something we chose together, each one with a special meaning and happy experience to go with it. Even the melodic 'tuned' windchimes on the back patio evoke a special memory that lifts the corner of sadness and allows a sliver of happy light to shine through. That little glow leads me to scripture, where I have sought and received comfort many, many times before.
And it is there, in scripture that I am reminded of the one true source of Joy.
" Wherefore, fear not even unto death, for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full." D & C 101:36
In Him my joy is full.
One thing I've learned is that the language of scripture is no mistake. So I notice that the scripture says my joy IS full, not that it will be full. IS means now; currently. Not something far off, but something very now.
I also notice the familiar command, 'Fear Not'. I have learned to welcome new opportunities for growth and be unafraid. I am learning how the infinite power of my Savior's atonement enables me to do hard things. I can continue in this life, even doing the things that brought me joy before, brought us joy together. Because of that infinite atonement, I have a promise of great joy- when I am reunited with my sweetheart, yes, but also in this life. My joy IS full- in all the things that brought me joy before. My Savior's love has filled in the gaps and lifted my feet from the squishy mud. I stand on firm ground. This is a process, yes, but the sliver of light has now filled the entire window, and my joy truly is full.
"And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing, sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in.
That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing, he bled and died to take away my sin.
Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee, How great thou art, How great thou art.
Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee,
How great thou art, How great Thou art!"
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


  1. Denise BartholomewAugust 4, 2012 at 6:11 AM

    Kathleen, your example of faith and testimony is truly inspiring. Thank you for helping me see the joy in everything. Even when we must go through very difficult trials we must look for the joy in life, "Men are that they might have joy". I have thought a lot about you the last few days and have kept you in my prayers. I think of not having my sweetie of 34 years by my side & it is hard to contemplate. Even though you must go through this very difficult thing, we have the knowledge of eternal life and family and I hope that gives you some comfort. Keep yourself busy. Your beautiful radiant spirit touches all those around you. I for one am grateful you have touched my life. I hope that on days you find especially difficult you will find comforting peace. Take care my friend, Love, Denise

  2. Kathleen, you have a beautiful way with words. I hope putting this down on "paper" helps – it is certainly inspiring to us, so there is that good result. I am so sad with you, but understand too little to be truly empathetic. As we are advised "to mourn with those that mourn," I will not try to cheer you up. Thank you for standing as a witness of God, and for finding that firm footing, even for a moment, and for sharing your insights. With much love, Melanie

  3. You are an inspiration. You should write an article for the Ensign. Seriously! There are hundreds of people going through the same trial and needing the same hope that you have found. I'm so glad I read your blog today!

  4. This might be what Robert is thinking and I hope it can bring you some comfort. All Our Love
    Alena & Kameron

    When tomorrow starts without me,
    And I'm not there to see;
    If the sun should rise and find your eyes
    All filled with tears for me;
    I wish so much you wouldn't cry
    The way you did today,
    While thinking of the many things,
    We didn't get to say.

    I know how much you love me,
    As much as I love you,
    And each time that you think of me,
    I know you'll miss me too;
    But when tomorrow starts without me,
    Please try to understand,
    That an angel came and
    called my name,
    And took me by the hand,
    And said my place was ready,
    In heaven far above,
    And that I'd have to leave behind
    All those I dearly love.

    But as I turned to walk away,
    A tear fell from my eye,
    For all my life, I'd always thought,
    I didn't want to die.
    I had so much to live for,
    So much yet to do,
    It seemed almost impossible,
    That I was leaving you.

    I thought of all the yesterdays,
    The good ones and the bad,
    I thought of all the love we shared,
    And all the fun we had.

    If I could relive yesterday,
    Just even for a while,
    I'd say good-bye and kiss you
    And maybe see you smile.
    But then I fully realized,
    That this could never be,
    For emptiness and memories,
    Would take the place of me.

    And when I thought of worldly things,
    I might miss come tomorrow,
    I thought of you, and when I did,
    My heart was filled with sorrow.

    But when I walked through heaven's gates,
    I felt so much at home.
    When God looked down and
    smiled at me,
    From His great golden throne,
    He said "This is eternity,
    And all I've promised you."

    Today for life on earth is past,
    But here it starts anew.
    I promise no tomorrow,
    But today will always last,
    And since each day's the same way
    There's no longing for the past.

    But you have been so faithful,
    So trusting and so true.
    Thought there were times
    you did some things,
    You knew you shouldn't do.
    But you have been forgiven
    And now at last you're free.
    So won't you take my hand
    And share my life with me?

    So when tomorrow starts without me,
    Don't think we're far apart,
    For every time you think of me,
    I'm right here, in your heart.

  5. You are amazing. I hope your soul is filled with love when it aches and the joy in life leads you on to many great things between now and when you get to see your sweet Robert again. Our Father in Heaven is great and I am glad you know that and feel His love. Through your faith you will always have love. You are awesome.